To develop strong
minds in children I suggest four general patterns of behavior: benign
neglect, open-ended activities, real work, and an emphasis on time and
beauty rather than on speed and winning.
An article I read
recently in Mothering magazine advocated "benign neglect."
I smiled reading it, because my mother's pediatrician had recommended
the same treatment for me more than 40 years ago. The theory is simple.
Children need time to explore on their own without being organized,
entertained, or listening to a constant chorus of "No! Don't touch
that! Don't do that!" My mother's pediatrician advocated "baby-proofing"
my bedroom and putting me in there for some time each day. I had time
and space to play without interruption. I peopled my room with imaginary
creatures and book characters. Because there was no audience I was free
to explore without fear of being judged. To develop minds that can think
independently, we need to give children time to be alone. Yes, they
may get bored and complain. However, until a child gets bored, there
is little incentive to begin inventing amusements for him/her. Obviously,
the time for each child will be different, but the time set should be
just a little longer than the normal time it takes your child to work
through all the toys in his/her room. And remember, the idea here is
benign, loving neglect, not a hard and fast rule. Encourage children
to invent their own amusements. Mention ideas that you think might be
fun only if pressed, and vacate the role of entertainer as soon as you
can.
Another way to encourage
good thinking is to offer your children open-ended activities, including
hobbies that may become a life-long pleasure. One example is bird-watching.
I put a feeder outside the window where my son's high chair is. We can
see birds bring and feed their babies, keep track of the species that
come, learn more about each kind, and so on. Meanwhile, we develop our
powers of observation, an important skill in almost any field. Other
hobbies might be insect collecting, designing greeting cards for the
rest of the family to use, collecting rocks, caring for animals, sewing,
knitting, woodcarving, writing and gardening. With an older child, you
can help him or her get started putting family photos in albums with
captions. Other ideas might be putting on a play (an open doorway between
two rooms with a sheet strung across makes a great stage); writing letters
to older relatives to create a family history; or taking apart old appliances
(cut the plug off first to avoid any accidents). As a side benefit,
most of these activities have a product attached to them, and producing
something that others can see and enjoy is a great way to build the
skills of self-evaluation, decision-making, and goal-setting. The beauty
of these two ideas is that neither requires purchasing new gadgets or
extra time. Benign neglect should actually GIVE you some time to yourself!
Both ideas will help your child become a creative, independent thinker
who no longer needs to watch TV in order to avoid boredom.
Long ago, in an
era often characterized as "the good old days," real work
was a natural part of family life. Children could see that their chores
contributed directly to the welfare, and often the survival, of the
family unit. Their work had consequences when not done well. Children
learned to pay attention, follow directions, solve problems, and make
decisions in a real setting. What does real work look like in a society
that is no longer agriculturally based? Real work may involve having
children write or draw a picture for an elderly relative on a regular
basis, or perhaps taping a cassette talking about recent happenings.
It may involve chores done not for money but because children are part
of the family. Children can also help plan vacations, research proposed
large family purchases in Consumer Reports, organize and title
family photos, and help write the annual holiday letter. The entire
family may be involved in participating in various service projects
such as recycling or cleaning up a neighborhood.
The last suggestion
I have for developing strong minds in children is to focus on doing
things beautifully and well. Most world-changing ideas take time to
develop and are developed independently of any idea of "beating"
someone else. Try to reduce the idea of competition and speed. Talk
to your kids about what makes something beautiful and well-done. Then,
model that in your own life. If you are on the mini-van treadmill that
goes from soccer practice to ballet, then karate, then scouts, then
music lessons, ask yourself, "What is the one thing that my child
really enjoys doing well?" Children need time devoid of organization
and rules. While you're at it, examine your life to see if there are
things you could drop in order to be home more. Finally, give children
the time it takes to make something beautiful.
I remember with
great affection my mother's sewing rule. I began sewing before the age
of 6 and often made mistakes. Mom's rule was, "I'll rip the mistake
out for you, if you'll do it over in order to make it right." Now,
when I rip out my own mistakes, I am grateful that my mom made it possible
for me to "do it over" in order to get it right from the very
beginning. If your children are making gifts or doing school projects,
make sure that they have time to brainstorm. Select one project, do
a sketch or rough draft, correct their work, and do a final copy.
As
I look back on these four suggestions, I am struck by the fact that
they don't ask parents to do more; in fact, they ask parents to do less.
Don't schedule every minute for your child. Give them time (without
TV or Nintendo/Sega) to be alone. Don't buy lots of single-purpose toys.
Instead, buy a few well-chosen "props" that support mental
activity rather than direct it. Allow your children to help with the
real work of being a family—contacting relatives, cutting out coupons,
earning money, helping others. Finally, give your children the chance
to learn the satisfaction that comes from not doing things quickly in
order to beat someone, but from doing things well in order to create
something beautiful.
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